Opening Monologue

NNOUNCER: Please welcome your hosts Colin Jost and Michael Che.

MICHAEL CHE: Whoa. Good evening.

COLIN JOST: Hello, everyone. Welcome to the 70th Primetime Emmy Awards. I'm Colin Jost.

MICHAEL CHE: I'm Michael Che. Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

(Applause.)

You know, it is an honor to be here sharing this night with the many, many talented and creative people in Hollywood who haven't been caught yet.

COLIN JOST: That's right.

(Laughter.)

That's right.

MICHAEL CHE: Mm‑hmm, mm‑hmm.

COLIN JOST: This year ‑‑ this year the audience is allowed to drink in their seats.

MICHAEL CHE: Mm‑hmm.

COLIN JOST: Hope you're excited about that. Yeah, because the one thing Hollywood needs right now is people losing their inhibitions at a work function.

(Laughter.)

MICHAEL CHE: That's true. That's true.

(Laughter.)

Mm‑hmm, mm‑hmm.

COLIN JOST: We just want to say a quick hello to the thousands of you here in the audience tonight and to the hundreds watching at home.

(Laughter.)

Hi, Silver Lining Senior Center.

MICHAEL CHE: You know who's not? My mother's not watching.

COLIN JOST: What?

MICHAEL CHE: Well, she said she doesn't like watching white award shows because you guys don't thank Jesus enough. That's true. The only people ‑‑ the only white people that thank Jesus are be Republicans and ex‑crackheads, so ‑‑

(Laughter.)

COLIN JOST: I hope you know this ‑‑ the first Emmys were held back in 1949. Things were very different back then. Gas was 17 cents a gallon.

MICHAEL CHE: Mm‑hmm.

COLIN JOST: A new home cost $7,000, and we all agreed that Nazis were bad.

(Laughter.)

MICHAEL CHE: Mmm, yeah, mostly, mostly.

(Applause.)

In fact, actually, Colin, you'll like this. Our network, NBC, has the most nominations of any broadcast network.

COLIN JOST: That's right, yeah.

MICHAEL CHE: Great.

COLIN JOST: Yeah.

MICHAEL CHE: Which is kind of like being the sexiest person on life‑support. It's ‑‑

(Laughter.)

It's not great.

COLIN JOST: It's still not looking great.

MICHAEL CHE: Not great. Not great for you guys, no.

COLIN JOST: Netflix, of course, has the most nominations tonight.

(Applause.)

That's right. That's right. And if you're a network executive, that's the scariest thing you could possibly hear except maybe, "Sir, Ronan Farrow is on line one."

(Laughter.)

MICHAEL CHE: Yeah. You don't want that call.

COLIN JOST: No, you don't.

MICHAEL CHE: You don't want that call. No, you don't.

COLIN JOST: Of course, there are so many incredible nominees here tonight, incredible nominees.

MICHAEL CHE: Black‑ish is nominated.

COLIN JOST: That's right.

MICHAEL CHE: Black‑ish is also how I've been asked to behave tonight, so ‑‑

(Laughter.)

‑‑ see how that goes. We'll see how that goes.

COLIN JOST: One of our favorite shows This Is Us is nominated for best drama tonight.

MICHAEL CHE: That's right.

COLIN JOST: That's right. That's right. Milo is here, and he plays Jack on the show. The next season of This Is Us will explore Jack's experiences in Vietnam. This was in response to viewers who wrote in and said, Sadder, please.

(Laughter.)

MICHAEL CHE: That's true.

Speaking of sad, The Handmaid's Tale is nominated.

COLIN JOST: That's right.

MICHAEL CHE: Yes. I don't know if you've seen it, but The Handmaid's Tale takes place in an imaginary future where an entire group of people are violently forced to work and make babies against their will. It's what black people call history, so ‑‑ you know what I mean? It's Roots for white women.

COLIN JOST: Yeah, of course.

MICHAEL CHE: That's what it is.

COLIN JOST: Of course.

MICHAEL CHE: It's Roots with bonnets. That's what it is.

COLIN JOST: Roots with bonnets.

There were several dramatic rescues for TV shows this summer. Brooklyn Nine‑Nine was canceled by FOX, but picked up by NBC. That's right.

MICHAEL CHE: Last Man Standing was canceled by ABC and then picked up by FOX.

COLIN JOST: That's right, which is great. That's right. And Roseanne was canceled by herself, but picked up by white nationalists.

MICHAEL CHE: Oh.

COLIN JOST: OK. OK.

MICHAEL CHE: She's had a rough year.

COLIN JOST: Yeah. No. That's tough.

MICHAEL CHE: You know, I heard Roseanne is actually moving to Israel.

COLIN JOST: Wow.

MICHAEL CHE: I mean, damn. How messed up is your life when you have to go to the Middle East just to get peace of mind? By the way, congratulations to Laurie Metcalf.

COLIN JOST: Yeah.

MICHAEL CHE: Yes, please. I mean, wow. That's incredible. You know how great an actress you have to be to get nominated for Roseanne now? That's like nominating a cop for a BET award. It doesn't happen. It would be weird.

COLIN JOST: And television obviously has more choices than ever before. This year, Netflix will spend $8 billion on programming.

MICHAEL CHE: Wow.

COLIN JOST: They now have 700 original series. Which makes me realize ‑‑ it just makes me realize that the show I pitched them must have really sucked.

MICHAEL CHE: Yes. It did.

COLIN JOST: I mean, it's like being turned down for a CVS Rewards Card.

(Laughter.)

MICHAEL CHE: Also, while you guys are here, how is Netflix getting all that money? It's like nine dollars a month, and everybody I know is sharing the same account.

(Laughter.)

Netflix is like that Instagram model that's always in Dubai and you're like, Yeah, but what do you really do?

(Laughter.)

COLIN JOST: The Obamas now even have their own production deal at Netflix.

MICHAEL CHE: Mm‑hmm.

COLIN JOST: And my dream is that the only thing they produce is their own version of The Apprentice ‑‑

MICHAEL CHE: That would be nice.

COLIN JOST: ‑‑ and it gets way higher ratings.

MICHAEL CHE: Things are getting better, but as we all know, TV has always had a diversity problem, you know. I mean, can you believe they did 15 seasons of ER without one Filipino nurse?

COLIN JOST: Crazy. That's just crazy.

MICHAEL CHE: Have you been to a hospital?

COLIN JOST: That's crazy.

(Laughter.)

MICHAEL CHE: Even on a great show like Cheers, I mean, Cheers, I loved Cheers, but you're telling me they made a show about an all‑white sports bar in 1980's Boston and not one black dude walked in, saw everybody, and walked right back out immediately? I would have. I would have. I would have, certainly.

COLIN JOST: There's even more diversity coming to TV. There's a Latino Magnum P.I. There's going to be a black Samantha in a reboot of Bewitched. But it's going to get balanced out by an all‑white reboot of Atlanta called 15 Miles Outside of Atlanta. And it focuses on white women who call the police on the cast of Atlanta.

MICHAEL CHE: Well, it's not perfect. It's not perfect, but TV has come a long way in the past 70 years. I think that's what you're trying to say, right, Colin?

COLIN JOST: That's right. That's right. And with the amazing contributions from everyone in this room tonight, I think we can keep television going for another five, six years tops.

MICHAEL CHE: Tops.

But let's have fun tonight.

COLIN JOST: Let's start giving out some trophies.

MICHAEL CHE: Yes.

COLIN JOST: You guys excited?

MICHAEL CHE: We're all here.

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